You made me cry and you don't even care
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dick very happy bro
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
