she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
