She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
