the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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