That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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