At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
