Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
