dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
