Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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