one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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