Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
