I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
