People in love make me want to vomit
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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