Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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