my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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