The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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