hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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