Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
