Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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