You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
