I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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