he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
