Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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