last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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