I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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