she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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