I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
