just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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