He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
