i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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