I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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