When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
