sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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