Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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