Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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