It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
