We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
