Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
