Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
