never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
