im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
