I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
