Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
