i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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