I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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