My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
