when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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