I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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