his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
