As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
