positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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