Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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